You Are What You Think

Once again, a race will come and go without me even attempting to cross the finish line. Why? Why have I failed THIS time? I have a million reasons that piled one on top of the other and it isn't even worth recounting all of them because ultimately, do they matter? No, the only thing that matters is I failed. AGAIN.

 I was listening to Jamil Coury this morning on Ginger Runner and he was talking about what he considered failures but of course to mere mortal me, simply a wanna be runner, I am thinking, "wow,  you attempted the Barkely THREE times. how can you consider that a FAILURE?" He still pushes on, he is honest with what he feels are his weaknesses and he puts it all out there, he doesn't just post his successes which is a huge reason I think he is awesome, along with Ethan and Kim Newberry. Yes, these runners are on a completely different plane from me, but I can set my own bar and wow is it amazingly low!

 Why even keep going? I ask myself this on a daily basis. Two years now of running and so far the longest distance I have ever run at one time is a half marathon distance. Following the Hanson's Marathon Method I was really doing good, even though it was all treadmill miles (don't even get me started on what it is like to live on the plains during the third worst winter in Montana) and I was tackling up to 11 miles but then when the first 15 mile run appeared on my schedule, mentally I told myself I couldn't do. So of course I didn't.

 My husband made a great point and I should have listened to him when he told me, you should at least start it, but I didn't. I found an excuse to not run that Sunday and the missed long runs compiled like dominoes until it became clear that there was no way I could tackle that marathon distance on April 14th. Then do the half, was my husband's response. Yes! fantastic solution, until a facebook post popped up one day telling me the half was officially full.

 What? there was actually a max amount of runners allowed? All my ambition flew out the window.

We are still going to Washington for the week (where the race is happening) so I did a quick search and found there are a couple of other half marathons going on that I can sign up for so it may not be a total loss. We shall see.

 Meanwhile, here in Montana, on the first day of spring, there is no sign of it in sight. Snow is still lining our driveway and I go out in the morning to feed animals bundled in my heavy coat and gloves, chipping off the ice from the top of the water trough. The grass is the typical prairie brown with no green even hinting at springing up from the earth.

 Two weeks ago my family spent four nights on the Oregon Coast, enjoying sunshine and nearly 70 degree days and we were so incredibly happy. I was able to do a couple four mile runs before sunset out along the water and I was reminded of how great running was when you weren't pushing a button to adjust your speed.

 After Oregon we drove up to Bellingham for two days, where we are from, just a couple days from the Chuckanut 50k and I shed a few tears as I checked the website where the times for aid station check ins were being posted. I really hope to be back home for the next race, this time not just visiting, and I can be running those trails on a regular basis. Oh, to be running amongst the trees again!