On being alone

   I played sports in high school, not so much because I wanted to but because it seemed to be expected of me. I was tall, the tallest girl in my high school, so therefore my whole purpose in life seemed to be to play a sport that required tall people; volleyball and basketball and even the soccer coach came begging, saying I would make a fantastic goalie because I could take up so much of the goal with my long arms and legs. No, thanks to that one, Having people barreling towards me only to kick a ball at my face did seem not at all appealing in any shape or form. I did give in to the basketball coach and for a short time the volleyball coach and I look back on those years really not very fondly. I just didn't enjoy it, and it wasn't necessarily that I didn't enjoy the sport itself but rather the people I played with, nor did I really enjoy the coaches.

 Everyone had an agenda, the players were hoping for scholarships, or the admiration of their peers, or the approval of their parents, the coaches were re living their high school playing days and hoping for a coaching spot on the next big team or a championship title. No one really seemed to be playing the games for the love of it in the moment.

 There are those that say sports teach dedication and team work, okay I guess, but there are many things a young person can do that can teach that. In this day and age I would say quite possibly the best argument for team sports in high school would be the exercise, and that might quite be enough of an argument altogether.

 Running is something I wished I had found as a teen, beyond the endless laps around the soccer field and the suicide lines we had to run at the end of practice. If not just for the exercise but the alone time it would have granted me. I find people overwhelming, always needing something that I cannot give them. As a female, it becomes very hard to be yourself with people when your genuine self is someone that walks about as open as a book as one can be. Often people that you come across in your day to day life don't want that, they don't want honesty about your rough day, they want uplifting Facebook memes and everything hashtagged blessing. They don't want to know you have an opinion differing from theirs, whether it be on religion, politics or where you want to live. Too many people create their false idols in their hometown, their Boy Scout groups or the way they think you should behave and become easily offended if you don't fall in line with the same way of thinking. Quiet and meek has never been something I could pull off very well and my self deprecating sarcasm seems to make a lot of people uncomfortable.

 Running doesn't require anything from you, just shoes and clothes that don't enhance the chafe and you're off. I don't need a court, or a coach, I can just run. If I race, I am running against myself and not letting down a team if I have a bad run. It's easier to get over a slower time than you expected when the "we are only as strong as our weakest link" isn't in affect.

 You can run without an agenda, run alone without judgement. No relying on a teammate to kick a ball back at you or a horse to be sound and ready to go.

 The louder life gets, whether it be at work or just reading social media for 15 minutes, the more I see a need for being alone, no pressure from outside voices. Just the freedom of feeling ground rise up to meet each step, fast or slow, it's always there, waiting patiently for you.